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It's after three in the morning and I'm in a mood. I just used the wayback machine to visit my old Geocities website. Not a lot of the site is accessable, but there are fragments of some of my old Dark Justice fics available. I sat there and read part of a super-long fic called 'Balance of Power' where I pretty much kill everybody.
Reading it, I couldn't help but think that I haven't managed to write anything of any real length or impact since the DJ days.
And that made my stomach squirm.
What if I shot my creative load with those fanfics? What if the reason I can't seem to write anything these days is because I just don't have it in me to write anything?
From there, it got worse.
What if the house doesn't sell?
What if I can't find a job before my money runs out?
What if I get sick or get into an accidenet and I don't have any insurance?
What if? What if? What if?
I found myself stuck in a fear spiral, just sinking deeper and deeper into the bad places we all have inside us.
And then, I started thinking about all the stuff that's happened in the last year. I quit a job I was starting to hate. I'm going to be getting out of Alaska some time this spring/summer. And if I can't find a decent job? Fuck it. I'll get a survival job, or just start my own business. I could go back to telling fortunes. Hell. Maybe I should run away with the circus. Circuses have fortune tellers, don't they?
What I'm saying is that I was letting the fear get to me. I was letting it win.
Well, fuck you, Fear.
Fuck you right in the ear.
I just said that, out loud, and now I feel great.
It may not exactly be that prayer against fear in the Dune books, but it works for me.
So say it with me, people: Fuck you, Fear! Fuck you, right in the ear!
More later.
Definitely. - MEL
Reading it, I couldn't help but think that I haven't managed to write anything of any real length or impact since the DJ days.
And that made my stomach squirm.
What if I shot my creative load with those fanfics? What if the reason I can't seem to write anything these days is because I just don't have it in me to write anything?
From there, it got worse.
What if the house doesn't sell?
What if I can't find a job before my money runs out?
What if I get sick or get into an accidenet and I don't have any insurance?
What if? What if? What if?
I found myself stuck in a fear spiral, just sinking deeper and deeper into the bad places we all have inside us.
And then, I started thinking about all the stuff that's happened in the last year. I quit a job I was starting to hate. I'm going to be getting out of Alaska some time this spring/summer. And if I can't find a decent job? Fuck it. I'll get a survival job, or just start my own business. I could go back to telling fortunes. Hell. Maybe I should run away with the circus. Circuses have fortune tellers, don't they?
What I'm saying is that I was letting the fear get to me. I was letting it win.
Well, fuck you, Fear.
Fuck you right in the ear.
I just said that, out loud, and now I feel great.
It may not exactly be that prayer against fear in the Dune books, but it works for me.
So say it with me, people: Fuck you, Fear! Fuck you, right in the ear!
More later.
Definitely. - MEL
