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So, my second cousin was supposed to get married today.
Yes, a wedding on Friday the 13th. That's either incredibly balsy or incredibly stupid. You decide.
In any event, the wedding was going to be interesting. I kept hearing snippets about the preparations from various family members. Among them was that the wedding color was camoflage and that the happy couple would be getting married outside.
Later, I learned more. The bride had been given a nice wedding dress which she had altered, replacing the original buttons with camo-colored buttons, and adding a ten foot wedding train.
Remember, she was still getting married outside. So, a ten foot train. Outdoors.
Oy vey.
And then, as if that wasn't interesting enough, I learned that the wedding was going to be in a state park, near a scenic waterfall. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? Only, to get to the water fall you have to park your car in a gravel parking lot that can only hold about ten cars. Then you have to hike through the park, along a narrow, overgrown trail. You had to climb over a large fallen tree and then, for the last bit, descend down a 45-degree hiker's trail to the pool where the waterfall was.
Did I forget to mention that the happy couple sent out 100 invitations? And that they didn't bother to inform most of their expected guests about the location of the wedding, let alone the terrain? And that, if the bride's family is any indicator, senior citizens and persons with physical disabilities should probably skip the whole wedding and just make themselves available for the reception afterwards?
The bride's maternal grandparents drove out to the site to take a look. They're both in their eighties and, although somewhat tough, aren't exactly spry. They couldn't even get over the log. So they returned home and announced they would not be going to the wedding. Impassioned phone calls were made between the bride, the bride's mother and the grandparents. At some point, the groom and the bride's grandmother got into a heated argument, resulting in the groom being banned from the grandparents house in perpetuity. And the grandmother wasn't going to make any nibbles for the wedding either! Nor was she going to let the bride use her 'bloomers' to support the hoop skirt that had somehow mysteriously materialized on the wedding gown.
A hoop skirt, ladies and gentlemen, and a ten foot train on a camo-wedding gown that would be worn, supposedly, while the bride marched down a 45 degree hiker's path to a waterfall.
Oy.
So, the grandparents were out of the picture. The bride's mother, a passionate lady with questionable taste in gentlmen friends, attempted to smooth things over. Alas, no luck. Nevertheless, the wedding proceeded. Gathering speed and, now, tainted by bad feelings.
Now, one thing led to another, culminating in the events of last night. The bride's mother had rented a hall for the reception. Other family members had pitched in to help with a buffet lunch for after the service. This had been met with ill feeling by the groom who had apparently voiced his opinion, more than once, that he didn't want people to linger at the reception. The general impression was that he wanted people to congratulate them, give them wedding presents and fuck off back to wherever they came from.
Somehow, the groom and the bride's mother got into a 'spirited' discussion over her attendance at the wedding and the participation of the bride's younger siblings. Words were exchange. Things grew heated. Ultimately, the groom threatened to kill the bride's mother at which point, certain law enforcement officials got involved.
Are you still with me, gentle readers? I swear to the good Lord that I'm not making any of this up, that it's all from reliable sources who were present at the incident.
To make a long story short, the bride's mother withdrew from the wedding. She washed her hands of things and walked away, prompting the bride to have a sort of late-night breakdown that involved a post-midnight call to her grandparents full of weeping and screaming and gnashing of teeth.
The wedding was supposed to be today. I do not know if it happened or not. I do not know if any of the other guests were privy to the events surrounding it. I have no idea what happened with the reception. As far as I know, only one of the bride's aunts and her father were there to represent that side of the family. And I'm not sure if the aunt actually wound up going or not. If she was, she said she was going to video tape it.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you this.
If it was video taped, you can bet your last damn dollar that I'm going to watch that tape.
Just to see what, if anything, happened.
Happy Friday the 13th, y'all! - MEL
Yes, a wedding on Friday the 13th. That's either incredibly balsy or incredibly stupid. You decide.
In any event, the wedding was going to be interesting. I kept hearing snippets about the preparations from various family members. Among them was that the wedding color was camoflage and that the happy couple would be getting married outside.
Later, I learned more. The bride had been given a nice wedding dress which she had altered, replacing the original buttons with camo-colored buttons, and adding a ten foot wedding train.
Remember, she was still getting married outside. So, a ten foot train. Outdoors.
Oy vey.
And then, as if that wasn't interesting enough, I learned that the wedding was going to be in a state park, near a scenic waterfall. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? Only, to get to the water fall you have to park your car in a gravel parking lot that can only hold about ten cars. Then you have to hike through the park, along a narrow, overgrown trail. You had to climb over a large fallen tree and then, for the last bit, descend down a 45-degree hiker's trail to the pool where the waterfall was.
Did I forget to mention that the happy couple sent out 100 invitations? And that they didn't bother to inform most of their expected guests about the location of the wedding, let alone the terrain? And that, if the bride's family is any indicator, senior citizens and persons with physical disabilities should probably skip the whole wedding and just make themselves available for the reception afterwards?
The bride's maternal grandparents drove out to the site to take a look. They're both in their eighties and, although somewhat tough, aren't exactly spry. They couldn't even get over the log. So they returned home and announced they would not be going to the wedding. Impassioned phone calls were made between the bride, the bride's mother and the grandparents. At some point, the groom and the bride's grandmother got into a heated argument, resulting in the groom being banned from the grandparents house in perpetuity. And the grandmother wasn't going to make any nibbles for the wedding either! Nor was she going to let the bride use her 'bloomers' to support the hoop skirt that had somehow mysteriously materialized on the wedding gown.
A hoop skirt, ladies and gentlemen, and a ten foot train on a camo-wedding gown that would be worn, supposedly, while the bride marched down a 45 degree hiker's path to a waterfall.
Oy.
So, the grandparents were out of the picture. The bride's mother, a passionate lady with questionable taste in gentlmen friends, attempted to smooth things over. Alas, no luck. Nevertheless, the wedding proceeded. Gathering speed and, now, tainted by bad feelings.
Now, one thing led to another, culminating in the events of last night. The bride's mother had rented a hall for the reception. Other family members had pitched in to help with a buffet lunch for after the service. This had been met with ill feeling by the groom who had apparently voiced his opinion, more than once, that he didn't want people to linger at the reception. The general impression was that he wanted people to congratulate them, give them wedding presents and fuck off back to wherever they came from.
Somehow, the groom and the bride's mother got into a 'spirited' discussion over her attendance at the wedding and the participation of the bride's younger siblings. Words were exchange. Things grew heated. Ultimately, the groom threatened to kill the bride's mother at which point, certain law enforcement officials got involved.
Are you still with me, gentle readers? I swear to the good Lord that I'm not making any of this up, that it's all from reliable sources who were present at the incident.
To make a long story short, the bride's mother withdrew from the wedding. She washed her hands of things and walked away, prompting the bride to have a sort of late-night breakdown that involved a post-midnight call to her grandparents full of weeping and screaming and gnashing of teeth.
The wedding was supposed to be today. I do not know if it happened or not. I do not know if any of the other guests were privy to the events surrounding it. I have no idea what happened with the reception. As far as I know, only one of the bride's aunts and her father were there to represent that side of the family. And I'm not sure if the aunt actually wound up going or not. If she was, she said she was going to video tape it.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you this.
If it was video taped, you can bet your last damn dollar that I'm going to watch that tape.
Just to see what, if anything, happened.
Happy Friday the 13th, y'all! - MEL
